The issue with immediacy. Also known as the “I want it now” phenomenon.
When you’re an infant, immediacy is an inherent reaction to keeping attachment figures attending to you, getting your safety and security needs met, and minimizing danger. If your immediate needs were neglected, you found a way to protect yourself, shutting down bits and pieces of whatever was not being attended to. As you grew, your needs for immediacy were meant to resolve more and more, as you gained independence, patience, and problem-solving skills.
What exactly is immediacy, and why is it important? Immediacy is “the quality of bringing one into direct and instant involvement with something, giving rise to a sense of urgency or excitement.” Some other ways to think of immediacy: lightening fast and instantaneous. The Latin root immediatus means “without anything in between.” Perhaps the word shortcut applies here as well. The role of looking for shortcuts is important because attachment to immediacy in our adult lives leads to psychological pain.
Veruca Salt famously coined the very whiney response, “But daddy, I want it noooooooowwwww.” Those of us who watched the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory can probably recall the cautionary tale. She was, quite simply, the spoiled brat. She always wanted what she wanted, when she wanted it. She would whine and yell, and generally make everyone miserable if her requests were not tended to immediately. It was, quite simply, a message to kids everywhere to gain some patience and understand you get what you get and don’t throw a fit. Did Veruca seem happy at any point in the movie? Not particularly…the short-term reward of immediacy was apparent, but she quickly moved on to the next thing she needed now, and with great distress.
Technology is presenting quite a new phenomenon in immediacy. The expectation of immediate connection, through phone calls, text messaging, and social media platforms has lead to a preoccupation with, you guessed it, immediacy. I’m gonna reminisce for a second…I remember the days where I could drive around for hours with friends, no way of contacting us. We had to tell our parents where we were, where we were going, and when we’d be back. After that, no interruptions, no check-ins, just time to be together, flying around town, being silly, and thinking very little about things other than what we were doing in the moment. Today, the ever present utility of mobile phones means not only the ability to immediately contact another person, but the expectation of contacting someone immediately. Anyone else ever get an angry text when you failed to answer a text fast enough? Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.
Many of these elements of immediacy creep in as a lack of patience in other areas of our lives. Change becomes too frustrating because it takes too long. Expectations are dashed because they didn’t happen fast enough to meet needs of immediacy. Anger surfaces because nothing happens fast enough. Ever. Negative feelings last too long. Good feelings aren't happening fast enough. Resilience falters in the face of this kind of inflexibility. And in this need for immediacy, lack of flexibility, psychological pain results.
How can you begin to increase patience in the face of a cultural zeitgeist of immediacy?
Yes, mindfulness. I know, I say it every time. Slow down. Listen. What are you pushing yourself into? What are your fears of not getting what you need immediately? The pace of life is a pretty strong indicator for immediacy needs. Take that time for self-care each day. Something that is important to you, that is only for you.
Act as if. Test out being more patient. If you can spot yourself caught in the need for immediacy, act as if you don’t need it or that you are totaling fine waiting for it. You’ve practiced immediacy, now it's time to practice patience.
Stop doing things that aren't important. Identify your values, ask yourself what is needed, and leave behind the rest. A surprisingly simple option that takes a tremendous amount of personal attention.
As always, start with just noticing. How does immediacy show up in your life? Where are you expecting things right now. How is that impacting your ability to show up in that area of your life? And perhaps, most importantly, how is pushing for immediacy working for you?