Moving Forward in the Midst of Pain

This weekend marks the one year anniversary of my mother’s passing. I’ve had many musings over the last year regarding the impact, the movement of my grief, and the life transitions that have inevitably occurred. Something that continues to be helpful in this journey (especially this week as I navigate the resurgence of beautiful thoughts of love and longing, mixed with frightening thoughts of death and dying) is this list of 4 mindsets, pulled from Steven C. Hayes, co-creator of ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy).

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You are not your thoughts

You might be thinking, “What the heck does that mean?!” I want you to stop and think about what pains you. Yes, right now. Maybe it’s “there’s not enough time in the day” or “I don’t know how to live without my person” or maybe it’s “I never do anything right.” Take a minute to find those thoughts.

Chances are, when I asked you to think about what pains you, you had words. Maybe a few, maybe a lot. And I bet those words felt really real, right? Like they were truth? Like they were defining?

Words, language, are meaning making. And they are great at it! Language allows us to do so many things. What it also does is wrap up us up in the meaning making. When we believe our thoughts that keep us stuck (ie. “I can’t do this”), we move further into our pain.

To cement my point, I want you to say “I cannot turn my head” and continue to repeat that (out loud if nobody is around, or in your head if necessary). Are you doing it? Ok, keep it up, and now, at the same time, go ahead and turn your head. Did you do it? Could you do it? Yes, of course you could! Because you are not your thoughts. It is so very helpful to observe your thoughts, observe the observer, and create distance that allows you to choose your valued direction.

In my journey, the sticky thoughts happened when my mind liked to say things like “you’re too emotionally drained to be with your family.” Here’s the thing…my family is important to me. THE most important. So if I turn away from them, I’m actually feeding into the emotional exhaustion. It didn’t mean that being with them was easy. I did feel exhausted. I was able to hold that exhaustion, share that with them, and receive support from them. Had I believed I was my thought, this away move would have made things much darker.

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Your pain is not the enemy

I’ve been fortunate to have a family that did not turn away from emotion. I had beautiful models of that, and my mom was the very best model for transparency. I know this is not the case for many, many of you. So, let me reiterate…pain is not your enemy.

Pain reveals what is important, what you value, what you want to tap into or change. Pain is fundamentally the thing that provides direction, unless we try to avoid it.

Pain: guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, grief, anger, hopelessness, embarrassment. I like to sum this up as discomfort. We are pleasure-seeking beings, no doubt, so when we experience discomfort, our inclination is to figure out how in the world to not to feel it anymore. Here in lies the problem. Our problem-solving techniques lead us to a whole lot of avoidance techniques.

Avoidance can take on many forms, and can be housed in really pretty, “healthy” looking packages, including cleaning and organizing, working out, spending time with friends, listening to particular music, etc. Avoidance can also be drinking, bingeing Netflix, sleeping, and so on. Any behavior can be used as an avoidance or distraction technique. If you are trying to ignore or get rid of pain, this is the definition of experiential avoidance.

Back to my journey, which includes lots of pain in the form of grief and longing. Avoidance would look something like being quiet, for me. I value sharing. When I stop sharing, I’m suggesting I fear the depth of my grief, and that grief gets bigger and bigger. Moving back to the space of pain not being my enemy allows me to open and share, and move in the direction of my values rather than away.

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You are not alone

Oh, boy. Is it ok if I say you are not unique? My pain is not unique. And not being alone in my grief has been an important acknowledgment. In my personal journey, my sister and father have been integral to not feeling alone, but so are two close friends who are going through their very own specific grief journeys. The loss of a child. The loss of a husband. My thoughts kept trying to convince me that my grief did not compare, and they kept sharing their grief openly. And you know what? Grief is universal. Different, and universal. Pain is universal. You are not alone. This part of our human condition, when embraced, can encourage connection and growth even as it sucks the air right out of you.

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Your change process is never over

My journey, your journey, everyone's journey is ongoing as we navigate this life. It’s not about the goal or outcome, it is about the direction. Getting slowed down, feeling the “two steps forward, one back”, the ebb and flow of emotion, the resurgence of intensity, are all part of this journey.

In conclusion, my journey of grief is never over. I get to hold, gently, the experiences of pain that float in and out of my experience each day. Sometimes it's big and raw, other days it sits in the back hanging out, and other days its beautiful and loving. It doesn’t need to have an end, because it gets to be exactly what it is in the context of life. And this is how I recall that there is no destination for grief, just a direction.

If you or someone you know is personally struggling with “pain”, and would like more guidance in how to increase flexibility around experiencing these thoughts and feelings, please reach out. Gaining the language to help with this process can help increase contact with values, gaining greater personal awareness of avoidance behaviors, and move towards greater openness to the discomfort of life.

In The Words of Veruca Salt: I Want it NOW!

The issue with immediacy. Also known as the “I want it now” phenomenon.

When you’re an infant, immediacy is an inherent reaction to keeping attachment figures attending to you, getting your safety and security needs met, and minimizing danger. If your immediate needs were neglected, you found a way to protect yourself, shutting down bits and pieces of whatever was not being attended to. As you grew, your needs for immediacy were meant to resolve more and more, as you gained independence, patience, and problem-solving skills.

What exactly is immediacy, and why is it important? Immediacy is “the quality of bringing one into direct and instant involvement with something, giving rise to a sense of urgency or excitement.” Some other ways to think of immediacy: lightening fast and instantaneous. The Latin root immediatus means “without anything in between.” Perhaps the word shortcut applies here as well. The role of looking for shortcuts is important because attachment to immediacy in our adult lives leads to psychological pain.

Veruca Salt famously coined the very whiney response, “But daddy, I want it noooooooowwwww.” Those of us who watched the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory can probably recall the cautionary tale. She was, quite simply, the spoiled brat. She always wanted what she wanted, when she wanted it. She would whine and yell, and generally make everyone miserable if her requests were not tended to immediately. It was, quite simply, a message to kids everywhere to gain some patience and understand you get what you get and don’t throw a fit. Did Veruca seem happy at any point in the movie? Not particularly…the short-term reward of immediacy was apparent, but she quickly moved on to the next thing she needed now, and with great distress.

Technology is presenting quite a new phenomenon in immediacy. The expectation of immediate connection, through phone calls, text messaging, and social media platforms has lead to a preoccupation with, you guessed it, immediacy. I’m gonna reminisce for a second…I remember the days where I could drive around for hours with friends, no way of contacting us. We had to tell our parents where we were, where we were going, and when we’d be back. After that, no interruptions, no check-ins, just time to be together, flying around town, being silly, and thinking very little about things other than what we were doing in the moment. Today, the ever present utility of mobile phones means not only the ability to immediately contact another person, but the expectation of contacting someone immediately. Anyone else ever get an angry text when you failed to answer a text fast enough? Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.

Many of these elements of immediacy creep in as a lack of patience in other areas of our lives. Change becomes too frustrating because it takes too long. Expectations are dashed because they didn’t happen fast enough to meet needs of immediacy. Anger surfaces because nothing happens fast enough. Ever. Negative feelings last too long. Good feelings aren't happening fast enough. Resilience falters in the face of this kind of inflexibility. And in this need for immediacy, lack of flexibility, psychological pain results.

How can you begin to increase patience in the face of a cultural zeitgeist of immediacy?

1. Yes, mindfulness. I know, I say it every time. Slow down. Listen. What are you pushing yourself into? What are your fears of not getting what you need immediately? The pace of life is a pretty strong indicator for immediacy needs. Take that time for self-care each day. Something that is important to you, that is only for you.

2. Act as if. Test out being more patient. If you can spot yourself caught in the need for immediacy, act as if you don’t need it or that you are totaling fine waiting for it. You’ve practiced immediacy, now it's time to practice patience.

3. Stop doing things that aren't important. Identify your values, ask yourself what is needed, and leave behind the rest. A surprisingly simple option that takes a tremendous amount of personal attention.

As always, start with just noticing. How does immediacy show up in your life? Where are you expecting things right now. How is that impacting your ability to show up in that area of your life? And perhaps, most importantly, how is pushing for immediacy working for you?