Ugh, I’m going to be really annoying right now. I’m going to suggest that seeking happiness does not, in fact always bring happiness and may even bring suffering. Why? Well, because in our pursuit of all these things that we think provide hope, we plant traps for being overly immersed in the illusion. Stick with me. I’ll try to explain.
In my last blog article I suggested that you should look at how these 4 pairs of opposites hook you in your own life:
pleasure and pain
loss and gain
fame and disgrace
praise and blame
If you didn’t catch the exercise from my last article, I encourage you to go back to it and spend awhile thinking about it before you move on with what I will share here.
Getting Caught Up In the Wind
Recently, I was fortunate enough to see Nora McInerny speak in Portland, Oregon in promotion of her Podcast Terrible, Thanks for Asking and new book No Happy Endings. You can already see that I share a special connection with her message when she titles her book “No Happy Endings.” Confession: I have not read her book, so I can’t speak to the content yet, but the title says something pretty magical. And, her speaking engagement was magical, too. She has a special balance of the eight worldly winds. Her description of how to have a break down was an appropriate description of how immersing oneself in the opposite pairs leads to suffering (the breakdown). Her message that there will be no happy endings, but will be new beginnings, is a testament to the everchanging winds that blow in and out of our life. Bringing pleasure and pain, loss and gain, fame and disgrace, praise and blame. The storms of life bring them all at once at times! These times can lead to great growth and wisdom, or breakdown, depending on our movement with them, instead of against them.
We cannot eliminate these things from our lives. We cannot ignore them. We cannot contain them. We can see how we get caught up in them. How we react to them. We can relax into them. Stop fighting, and start living.
Meditation for Relaxing Into It
Nora made a joke about “and someone will suggest meditation..” and I sat there thinking, “but, but, but…” I can’t speak for her, but I think, in relationship to the breakdown, it would make sense that meditation was a frustration rather than a helper. So, let me start by saying, in my experience, your willingness to move into meditation is important AND expectations of what it will give you will probably lead to more pain. DOH! Settle into the practice for the practice, not because it’s supposed to give you something.
Now, that being said, meditation usually gives me quite a lot. It creates the space to slow down. To check in with my body. To breathe. Do you know how often we forget to breathe?!
So let’s talk scientifically about breathing meditation: You have the autonomic system that controls breathing. It also happens to be responsible for our fight or flight response (yes, the thing that causes arousal and anxiety). It is the mediator of the sympathetic (arousal) and parasympathetic (rest) nervous systems. Our autonomic system can be in a state of hyperarousal that causes chronic stress, related to childhood trauma, certain careers, etc. In this state, breathing is responsive to this arousal, increasing heartrate, tending towards faster and uneven chest breathing, and decreased parasympathetic rest states. Meditation, done with the breathing really honed in, can help balance this autonomic response, calming the sympathetic system. The mind follows the body, because it is the body screaming “get ready!” So, through breath, the body can say “you’re safe.”
Seriously, Meditate
What keeps you from engaging in meditation? I have a few excuses, but most of them boil down to just not making it part of my daily practice. Most of us don’t grow up learning how to meditate, and even if we know about it, we have a stereotypical idea of how to do it. Maybe it seems to new age. Perhaps, we even feel like it doesn’t fit into our faith tradition. Whatever the reason, I want to encourage you to think about this as a self-care measure that provides you greater opportunity to realign your system and give you space to slow down in a world that continues to move faster and faster. Give yourself some time to reflect on what stops you from exploring meditation as a break for yourself, and see what comes up. Assess how much 1. it feels important, 2. you feel committed to doing it, and 3. you feel confident in your skills to do it. If any of these three areas are lacking, you’ll continue to struggle to use this practice in your life. I discuss this often in sessions with my clients, because doing something other than what we are used to is difficult!
Meditation on the Eight Worldly Winds
So, your meditating…now what. Just notice. Wow, I’m really annoying. Yes, yes I am. But seriously, just notice. I don’t want you to do anything else with it. Do you get what I’m saying yet? Do nothing, but notice. Notice what your body is doing. Notice how your mind moves from one thought to another. Notice the numbness. Notice the quiet. Notice the noise. Notice your shoulders rise. Notice your breath. Notice your mind wandering to the next task. Notice. That’s all for now. See how it shows up, and let it be. Then, let’s chat.
I’d love to hear from you on what keeps you from utilizing meditation in your daily life. Leave a comment below about what stops you!